It was December, Christmas was coming and I was depressed. I learned through introspection and the help of others that the way I came to feel value as a human being was to give and achieve. Well, to date, my business had made very little $ (translation = no achievement) and so I had limited funds to “give”. I began falling into a deep abyss, what others have called the “dark night of the soul”, but I didn’t know it.
I rode it out and made it through January, but barely. Exercise was literally keeping my nose above the water in terms of falling deeper, bottoming out into the abyss. Then on February 4th I had a small bout with a virus, low fever, nothing dramatic, BUT I couldn’t work out. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was teary, constantly … having experienced some other major life events that hit me on the fringes, though I can’t share here because they aren’t my story. A friend strongly urged me to go on antidepressants.. no change that.. warned me that if I didn’t I would be doing harm to my health.
As a two time cancer survivor, she got my attention. But, I knew, for me, drugs weren’t the answer. Interestingly, shortly after this intervention God acted on my behalf. I always joke that God gives you what you need when you need it, just not usually wrapped in the package you desire. So… I got a call from a friend that a customer thought my Healing Elements product was “chintzy”-(I had to look this up as I didn’t know how to spell it) but I digress. So one of my hugest fears faced me in the darkness … and guess what … I was okay, I actually even laughed a little bit … it was just the encouragement that I needed. Then, later in the day there was a mess that needed to be cleaned up with my elderly mother … again, I waited to spontaneously combust, but no… a deep breath and I engaged in cleaning it up. I had made it through two events that hours ago I thought sure would reduce me to small shattered pieces. I believe that God had intervened on my behalf to let me know I could handle things and find my way back to myself.
So, February 18th started Lent. As a long time, although some time failed Catholic I struggled with what to give up. How about my depression? I decided to find out how to have a stronger relationship with God, a concept which had always eluded me. I liked the idea because this joy that folks talked about had been hard to find… especially lately. So, I took a class at church (meeting some wonderful new people), committed to 100% reading of scripture daily Pray as You Go and subscribed to Dynamic Catholic for the “Best Lent Ever.” I can’t even begin to tell you the difference it has made.
I feel joy, feel closer to God, further understand my faith and have made some new friends. I learned that I am perfect in God’s eyes and loved unconditionally. I have noticed, particularly after my illness that God is at work in my life and has been there for me when I needed Him most. My Blog Title, Looking for Miracles represents my journey to witnessing the sacred in my life and the life of others. I believe I have been called for a long time to share my experiences… would love to hear yours as well. I hope this Blog will be an inspiration to help people and to encourage us to support one another.
Be blessed, be well …